Purpose

I looked at my blog stats just now and saw that my last post got one view. Ha! It feels like the old days again.  This blog has sure gone through ebbs and flows of readership.  Sometimes it's fun for me to look at at some of the posts I wrote during college and see who was tuning in and commenting at the time.  It's always interesting to remember those friendships that, at certain points in my life, were like an everyday thing... even though now they've literally gone to nothing and I'd almost forgotten they had once existed.  Once upon a time I used to be "hang out and talk everyday" buddies with a guy we'll call S.L. and another we'll call J.P. and another we'll call B.H. and another we'll call C.M. (wow... they're all flooding back to me now!).. but them's days is gone!  Sad...But inevitable.  It seems that simply has to happen with guy friends when ya go off and get married.  Especially when (as Harry will tell you is always the case) a guy/girl friendship has the hanging question in the air of "Could it be more??"  I see why those friendships pretty much stop in their tracks once one or both person(s) gets married.  But all I can say is that it's fun to look back on them, and at times kind of a bummer that the platonic portion of the relationship can't just continue on at infinitum.

Why I'm writing about that I have no clue.  It just all came flooding back to me as I thought about who has read my blog at different times in my life.

At this point... I'm 25... I like my job fine... I'm deliriously happily married... and I'm somewhat settled into the "where" and the "who" aspects of my life.  I still miss the closer friendships I had as a teenager and in college.  I miss the church I grew up in and the worship attitude it embodies.  I find myself sometimes trying to find purpose, which bugs me.  Am I called to be an investment specialist?  Heck no.  Called to cook and bake for a living?  Mmmmm... maybe.  Called to be a stay-at-home-mom?  Definitely... but not yet.  Sooooo, what's my purpose?  I don't like that I don't know, because I have the definite need to.  Otherwise, what am I doing?

I struggled this weekend with intense disappointment.  You see, there was a 1 in 1,000,000 chance I thought I might be pregnant.  But I wasn't.  And while neither I nor Chris is quite ready for that yet, I was pretty down when I found out I wasn't.  And I think that deep in my innermost heart... the reason for my disappointment was that I am SO longing to discover and live out my purpose.  And I don't feel like I am doing that right now.  And part of me thought, "Maybe once I'm a mom, I'll feel like I'm living out my purpose."  It would have been sudden, surprising (read: accidental), and a major change of plans... but it also would have been instant purpose!  And that thought had me hoping.

There's so much to be said for "Godliness with contentment."  That is what I know I need.  I don't need whatever's just around the corner to achieve happiness or fulfillment.  If my happiness only ever relies upon the realization of some future event, it'll always be just that... in the future... never now.  Contentment is deciding that now is the time to be happy.  Period.

So pray for me to discover purpose and contentment for where my life is right now.