Sweet Nursing Memories

What I'm posting today is something I wrote out on February 19th of this year.  It was the day I met with our breast surgeon to discuss our decision to have a double mastectomy.  It was the day I learned that not only would I be saying goodbye to the possibility of breastfeeding our future babies... but that I'd also need to start weaning Elsa immediately.  It was a tough thing for me, ending that phase of our relationship.  I've been so blessed to nurse my sweet girl for her first 6 months of life.  What an amazing God we have!  I'm continually blown away by how miraculous our bodies are... how perfectly we produce food to nourish our babies from the day they are born until they no longer need it.  How God has set things in motion for the milk to come in when it does, and to contain the nutrients & antibodies it does, and for the way our bodies know to "let down" when we hear, feel, or think about our baby.  It is so miraculous!

Even though I won't get to be a breastfeeding mother in the future, it will remain my personal mission to advocate for breastfeeding in every way I can.  If I can encourage another momma to give it a good shot, I want to!  If I can be an active force in moving our society toward being more "nursing friendly" I want to.  And if I can bless new moms with resources, books, advice, whatever... so that more babies get the gift of that precious life-giving nourishment, and more moms get to witness the miraculous way God uses it to bond us to our babies... well, you guessed it, I'm gonna be all about that!  I won't get do it myself anymore, and that is ok.  I fully accept and embrace the sacrifice and believe that I'm giving it up for something far more valuable.  But I'm going do whatever I can to make it more easy and convenient for others.

So here is what I wrote that day.  Just my sweet memories of Elsa's and my time of nursing.  These were things I wanted to hold onto in my heart.  Here's an opportunity for you now... to go ahead and exit the blog if you get a little squeamish hearing or reading this type thing.  I tried to steer clear of being too "graphic" but to some degree it's inevitable.  Just wanted to give you fair warning.

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I hope to never forget the way Elsa’s face looks while she nurses… her cheeks are so chubby I can hardly see what her mouth is doing.  It depends a little on the time of day, but during most feedings her eyes are closed and she’s completely relaxed with her hands up covering her eyes.  I don’t know why, but her hands always find their way up there and she just rests them there.  Normally if both hands aren’t resting over her eyes, one is swatting or grasping around the area above my breasts.  (I usually have to make sure there’s some shirt fabric protecting my skin there because sometimes her nails are sharp and they can dig in!)  

She’s getting so tall, her legs dangle over the edge of my lap and usually she just lightly kicks them.  Not in a jumpy way… more of a relaxed way, like the way you’d dangle your legs over the edge of a dock.  She just likes to tap her feet a little I guess.  Nursing is the best when it’s warm enough to have Elsa in nothing but her diaper.  Her skin is so soft and her little arms are so lumpy and chunky!  Her tummy is stretched way out since she’s reclining.

Of course her sounds are the best.  I also hope to never forget the way she sounds while she nurses.  She just sucks and sighs.  There aren’t really a ton of words to paint a picture of the sounds… just peace and contentment.  I love how I can tell she doesn’t have a care in the world at that moment.

Before nursing is also the best.  Normally she will have just woken up, so she knows it’s eating time!  If daddy gets her up, he brings her in to our little spot on the couch and as soon as she sees me sitting there, her legs start to kick and she starts to make these little frantic-sounding noises.  She looks for me no matter which way daddy turns to face, and usually her whole body turns as well.  He likes to hold her out in the air for me to grab her, because he thinks it’s funny the way she almost starts “swimming” in mid-air to get to me.  It is pretty funny and sweet.  I’ve also liked how lately (as she’s gotten older and more developed) she doesn’t wait at all for me to get situated and offer her the breast.  She bends and reaches her face forward and will latch onto whatever is in the general vicinity of her mouth, so I have to be quick about getting everything unsnapped and pointing the right direction.  What’s so funny, I think, is the contrast… all that frantic activity… but then the moment she is latched on and the milk starts flowing, her body just melts.

Nursing before bed is so sweet.  Since it’s nighttime and she’s tired, most night-feeds end with her either partially or totally asleep.  And then I can sometimes pick her up with her head laying on my shoulder.  All 18 pounds of her are just completely limp.  She’s such an angel.

Her mood after daytime feedings is pretty sweet too.  She’s always a bit mellow after eating (at first… she perks up a few minutes later and is ready to play.)  But at first, when her belly is full and she’s had enough… we’ll break the latch and she’ll just stare at me with her big blue eyes.  Her mouth just kinda hangs open and she’ll be pretty quiet but sometimes a little “word” will escape and I can tell she’s saying something to me.  I always want so bad to pick her up and hug her and kiss her in those times… but I don’t because I know it’ll break the little temporary spell she’s under.  Once I pick her up, she’ll start fidgeting and reaching for things and the moment will be gone.  So I always wait it out, as long as it’ll last, and we just stare at each other and rest and relax.  I always dislike the fact that on days where we have to be somewhere, or run an errand, or days when we have company visiting… we don’t get those few minutes of her post-eating-trance.  On those days I don’t get to wait as she lies peacefully on my lap looking up at me.  On those days I usually am running behind so I have to snatch her up and get her diaper changed or her clothes on… or else someone else has been waiting on me to finish feeding her and wants to hold her… or she’s just generally distracted because others are in the room.  It’s always so nice when we go back to “normal” days after all that other craziness has subsided.

I remember how frustrating it was when we first brought her home from the hospital.  How she struggled to latch on and get the hang of it.  And how I swelled and leaked and ached.  And how I fretted as she would cry and cry but couldn’t quite get latched on so easily.  What a relief it was when after a few days we both finally started getting the hang of it!  I’m so glad I stuck with it!  I’m even glad that over the last month or so, when all-of-a-sudden she started waking in the night again… I’m glad I went in and soothed her and nursed her.  We eventually exercised a little tough love and did some sleep training.  But as a 4 and 5-month old, she got to be my “baby” just a little longer.  I got to go in and make her feel better and help her fall back asleep.  It was always dark in her room at those times, so I couldn’t see those chubby cheeks.  But I could feel her little head, heavy in my hand.  I could caress her soft baby hair.  I could feel her little tugging suck.  And I could hold her little hand as she drifted back into sleep.  I’m glad I didn’t sit outside her room in those times, listening to her cry.  Who could've known then that my time to nurse her would so soon be coming to an end?  I’m so glad to have had those moments.

Very soon I will have to give up nursing.  It is not something I wanted to give up so soon.  I had hoped to nurse all of our babies well into their first year of life.  I am giving it up in order to give them something much better I hope... a long life with their mama.  That is something I know my mom would’ve done in a heartbeat if she had had the choice.  However precious those nursing moments with us must’ve been for her (and I know now just how precious that is), I know she’d have been willing to trade them if it meant she could still be with us today.  

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