Everything about this pregnancy has been an exercise in "getting my mind right." Even finding out I was pregnant was a tough pill to swallow, because the timing was all God's and not mine, and the news was a complete and total surprise. (Not one of those surprises where you kinda figure you might've had a "oops" and your suspicions are confirmed... I'm talking I literally have no idea how we could possibly have gotten pregnant, timing-wise, and, the day we found out, it was not even on the radar of possibility until we saw those two little lines.)
Anyway, the mental battle continued from there... My first trimester of this pregnancy was the sickest I've ever been with any of our three kids and I truly had to work daily not to just complain and gripe constantly. I couldn't even think about the actual birth part, because for one thing the vivid recollections of Ava's birth had nowhere near faded, and for another, it was survival-mode trying to get through the sickness phase one day at a time.
What a bright spot it was when we found out we were pregnant with a BOY!!! (We sprung for the 10-week blood test that lets you find out the gender early... so I got the call from our nurse right in the midst of the yucky, sick phase, on a day where I hadn't left the couch once. So it truly was SUCH a wonderful bright spot of much-needed fun news!)
I say all that stuff to lead up to this... as the day has drawn nearer for me to deliver Kal, my over-arching feeling was, "I'm SO ready to meet him, but so not pumped up about the delivery part."
Maybe other mamas who've done natural childbirths before can relate. (I'm hoping so)...
When you go into a new experience and are very amped up to just "knock it out of the park" (like I was about my plan to deliver Elsa naturally, sans pain meds/induction/interventions), your lack of firsthand experience can actually be a real blessing. You know the thing is going to be hard, but you're still relatively clueless. And just as you promise yourself you will, you handle it LIKE A BOSS.
But after that, you know. And it's not that you fear future labors because of what you know... you just have mad RESPECT for them. You aren't even the least bit naive anymore.
When the time came to deliver Ava, I had had plenty of time to gather distance from Elsa's birth, and I was just as ready and pumped up as the first go-round!! The whole thing went beautifully!!
This time... just a bit different. As I said above, I struggled through this pregnancy. My mental state got a TON better as the sickness wore off, but I continued to prefer not to think about the delivery part and focus instead on the "can't wait to meet Kal" part. And when I woke up this past Friday having a few more contractions than normal, and feeling them a bit more intensely than the days before, and having the "sense" that we'd probably be meeting him that day or night, I felt excited, but cautious. Whereas with Elsa and Ava, that "today's the day" sense had propelled me to jump into a flutter of labor-inducing activities to try and get the show on the road, with Kal I was content to spend Friday chilling and doing very little. (I think I was half-way hoping I could just act like I wasn't really noticing the early and middle-stage labor signs, and that by the time I showed up at the hospital I'd be at 8 centimeters and he'd kinda just fall out with no effort.) LOL! So... experiencing a bit of denial maybe? All-in-all, just NOT what I would describe as "mentally ready to punch this labor in the face."
So the day was wonderful. Contractions were steady and I could tell they were productive and that I was likely progressing. I took the extra time to style my hair in the morning and put a bit of makeup on, because I always feel better when I've done that. We played with our girls throughout the day, did our normal thing, and even took a leisurely walk around the neighborhood after dinner.
After that, we put them to bed in their new shared bedroom, and (thankfully) they didn't take too long to drift off. Chris and I then turned on Scrubs on Netflix (which we've been into lately) and settled in with some Beef O'Brady's takeout. But about halfway through eating, I had to acknowlege my contractions with more focus... I couln't talk through them, I had to just take deep breaths in and lip-flapping breaths out. I went and grabbed my yoga ball to sit on, because that had helped me so much with Ava's delivery. But darnit, I felt like it was not offering me much relief this time around. Each time I would work through a contraction, I was frustrated that sitting on the ball didn't seem to help me "manage" it like I wanted it to. So I started experimenting and looking for other positions to get into, but each time I felt frustrated that no position I tried seemed to offer much assistance.
It was at that point I started getting a bit teary and emotional and telling Chris I just didn't feel mentally on top of my game heading into this. He reminded me how strong I was and how great I was going to do, and how perfect this timing was (that it would allow us some quiet days with Kal before he had to start classes) and that we were ready, I was ready, etc... but I still felt very "not ready" and things were speeding up whether I was ready or not. We texted several friends asking them to be my prayer warriors as tonight was very likely going to be the night and I wasn't feeling up to the challenge yet. My sweet friends surrounded me with prayer and powerful words of scripture and affirmation. We also called Chris's parents and my father-in-law decided to head our way so he could stay with the girls once we headed to the hospital. It was about 10pm and we expected him to arrive around 11:30.
Well between 10:00 and 11:30 the contractions started intensifying very quickly... to the point where "breathing" was no longer doing the job and I was having to groan deeply and writhe through each one. Having done this before I could tell I was nearing heavy labor (probably at least a 6 or 7 cm dilated.) And I just said to Chris, "I want to get an epidural this time." (Which surprised both of us!!) All I can say to describe my change in feelings is... I had been there/done that/bought the t-shirt with two natural deliveries before and simply could not seem to get my mind prepared for the final stages of this one.... but it was comin' for me regardless. What's more, it was coming FAST. I could tell I had progressed through early and mid-stage labor in just barely a few hours, which is NOT a lot of time for your mind and body to adjust. Also my normal game plan of relaxing FULLY between each contraction and conserving energy was not working well... because my body was shuddering and my teeth were chattering and my muscles wouldn't un-tense, even between contractions. (This is common when you're experiencing a very sudden flood of hormones.) I had not been able to find a tolerable position for a single contraction so far, and all I wanted to do was lie down and catch my breath and rest (especially considering we had been awake all day and were about to be awake all night.) So yes, epidural, I wanted one.
Chris was in total support of that decision, but I think he was a bit unsure whether or not to believe it was what I really wanted. But once my mind was made up it was totally made up. We were leaving for the hospital right that second, I wanted them to have a wheelchair waiting for me at the parking deck, and I wanted the epidural the moment they admitted me. Yep, I was not open for discussion at this point whatsoever. I just wanted to get there. (I was even frustrated when Chris would say "good job" during my contractions, because it was just bothering me so much that they were bothering me so much.) We called our neighbor to come sit at the house until Warren arrived since it was intensifying fast, and as soon as she arrived, we were out the door. Chris called ahead and repeated my "demands" to the Labor and Delivery staff ("She's requesting an epidural as soon as we get there, and we also need a wheelchair waiting at the parking deck.")
But of course they do not come out to the parking deck like valets to escort you to the L and D unit, so we screeched into a parking spot (a super-close one, thank you Lord! My contractions were just a few minutes apart and I was feeling them big-time) and he ran inside to bring a wheelchair back for me. Then he wheeled me down the breezeway and into an elevator (I started having a contraction right as we were getting onto the elevator, and I was groaning really loudly and probably freaking out the woman next to us. I also got upset with him for knocking my knees against the back wall of the elevator as he wheeled me in.)
As soon as we got upstairs, I tried my absolute best to convey to the nurses that I needed their utmost compliance (haha!) "I've had two natural deliveries before... I promise you, I'm really far along. I want an epidural, and I'm worried that if we don't do it NOW, there won't be time." They pointed us toward a room and we let ourselves in and I threw my clothes into a pile and myself into the bed and basically spent the next half hour asking the nurses, "Pleeeeeeeeeease, what do we need to do to get the epidural as immediately as possible?" (I'm telling you, these contractions were not like any I remember in the past... and I think it must just be because they progressed sooooo quickly.) Of course the first thing they had to do was check me (I was at 7cm), and draw some blood and send it to the lab. (If your platelette count is too low, getting an epidural isn't safe.) I think Chris felt like he could identify with the medical staff and might've been slightly embarrassed that I kept asking the same questions when there was literally nothing we could do but keep waiting. But yeah, I wasn't thinking of ANYthing else and it really was a desperate feeling.
The lab did a pretty killer job hurrying up my results and giving us the thumbs-up for the epidural. After about 30ish minutes of being there they sent in the CRNA to give it to me. Chris recognized him from working together in the past and said something like, "Ray Ray! What's UP??" when the guy walked into the room, and I was just like, "Nope!! Reunion later. Reunion after the epidural." (Again, I think I embarrassed him. And to tell the truth, as soon as I was calmed down I was a bit embarrassed too. Not the first impression you want to give people of yourself, ha!)
Getting an epidural is very hard when your contractions are so close together, because you have to sit hunched over and very still and allow them to do their thing. I sat like that resting on Chris while the CRNA prepped/cleaned my back. Then I had a contraction and he had to step back and wait. Then as soon as that one was over he started administering the epidural. At one point I had another contraction while he was in the middle of what he was doing, which meant I could not move at all or I would mess things up. Um... seriously. Hardest thing ever. But I was SO on board with whatever I needed to endure in order to get a break from the madness. So somehow I managed to sit still through that contraction. (For every other contraction for the past hour I had bascially been undulating like a serpent and groaning loudly or doing lip-flapping breaths because those help you relax.)
Once he had the epidural in, he began to gradually push the medication a little at a time. (Apparently you have to keep an eye on mom's blood pressure and baby's heart rate and just take it gradually. Kal and I seemed to be handling it with no problems whatsoever, so he was able to keep pushing the meds a bit at a time.) He let me know that it would be about five minutes before I noticed any relief. But it did get progressively better and better and I started to notice that, although I was still feeling the contractions and it was very painful, I could talk through them or handle them just by breathing deeply. That was definite improvement.
Once I was significantly calmer, the nurse checked me again and I was at a 9! (I think I went from a 7 to a 9 in less than an hour!) She said she felt confident that I'd be at a 10 and ready to push as soon as my water broke, but I was content to let the water break when it wanted to so that I could lie down under a warm blanket and relax for a bit. (Remember how I had been shuddering and shaking a lot up to this point? So the being able to lie down under a warm blanket was like HEAVEN.)
I was still feeling intense contractions on my right side (my left side wasn't feeling much at all.) So they had me turn and lie on my right side to see if we could get gravity to help a bit with moving the epidural meds to my right side. It never really seemed to do that, I continued to feel contractions on my right side. (Turns out my spine is a bit crooked and that is probably why.) But bottom line, the level of intensity was much much lower and I was able to really calm down and rest. When I would report to Chris and the nurse that I was feeling a contraction, they would tell me I was only feeling them at their peak.
So I got to enjoy the break I had prayed for, and I rested like that for maybe an hour and a half more (which FLEW by... honestly the whole night flew by.) At one point the nurse asked me to turn onto my left side, to see if it would position Kal a bit better to open me up to the full 10 cm. So I turned onto my left side and just laid there blissfully. One thing I liked about the fact that I got the epidural late in the delivery process was that it didn't seem to slow down or disrupt the natural flow of things much. My body was already progressing very well and the epidural just took the edge off for the final stages. As I was laying on my left side, I went ahead and allowed myself to lightly push... not really push but more just "release" my sphincters like you do before bearing down hard. Within a few moments of that, my water broke. Woohoo! So we called the nurse in, who checked me and said, "Yep, we're having a baby!"
She then called the CRNA back in, and the doctor in. The CRNA pushed some more epidural meds upon my request since I was about to push, and we met our doctor (Dr. Osleber) who was a VERY nice young woman about our age! We got into position and they told me to push,and push I did. Everyone said I was doing a great job that first round of pushes. :) We waited for another contraction and I did a second round of pushes. (Such a different atmosphere pushing when you've had an epidural. I could feel what I was doing and had good control, but the room was just calmer and I felt a lot less desperate to hurry this along, haha.) And after round 2 of pushes the doctor told me, "I think you'll have him out after this next push." (Another woohoo!!!) So for that third round of pushes I made sure to be really controlled and not push quite as hard as I could, that way I could hopefully not tear. And sure enough! I got his head out in that third round of pushes, and he came our screaming nice and loud! And I only tore very very verrrrry minimally. :)
It was, like I said, a much different feeling that our first glances at Elsa and Ava. There's such a sense of victory and elation and emotion when you push out a baby without any medication... the first two times I remember everyone in the room was half-laughing/half-crying when they were finally born... This time it was still wonderful and super sweet, but less euphoric. Plus there wasn't any family in the room with us... no pictures being snapped... it was 2:30 in the morning. Just a different feel to this delivery all around. More intimate, and (at least for the last part) more calm.
They placed Kal on my chest and covered him in a blanket to keep him warm and Chris and I just talked to him and kissed him and marveled at him. I also asked the doctor to please show me the placenta, because (in all my aftershock and weariness and delighting in my babies the first two times around) I had never thought to look at the placenta before and always wished after the fact that I had. She was super nice and gave me a really detailed little "lesson" about the parts of the placenta... sooooo cool! Lastly she just had to give me a couple of tiny stitches. My tear was really insignificant. Nothing at all like either of my tears with Elsa and Ava, and I have barely been bothered by it a bit in recovery. That has been soooooo nice!
We had to wait a few hours after the delivery to give Kal his first bottle (for those who don't know... I've had a double-mastectomy. I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate, but sadly it is not an option for me) and get moved into our recovery room. It was trickier transferring me this time, because an epidural complicates your ability to get in and out of bed, use the bathroom, not fall, etc. Also the nurse had to do an in-and-out catheter during that time, to empty my bladder for me. (These are just consequences of deciding to have an epidural... good things to know about ahead of time if you're trying to make a decision one way or the other.) The other thing I'll say as far as downsides to the epidural (for anyone trying to weigh their options) is, of course, there are risks to the procedure. It can be done incorrectly, and in rarer cases can result in ongoing pain or loss of bladder control, nerve damage, infection, or bleeding. More commonly, the side effects include a next-day headache and a next-several-days backache at the epidural site (both of which I experienced.) I also have had a very sore left arm for several days, as a result of the IV they gave me in my arm. (This is not related to the epidural, but it is relevant if you're deciding which medical interventions to allow and which to decline. In past deliveries I have had an IV port put in, but did not receive IV fluids, because I preferred to move freely around the room and not be bothered by an IV. This time around I allowed it, simply because I assumed it was more necessary if I was getting an epidural.)
As far as pluses to getting an epidural this time around, I will say I still liked that I completed most of the labor on my own and at home, and that I had had the experience of two past non-medicated deliveries to draw from, because I believe that allowed me to use the epidural as a tool to aide the process while still allowing it to carry out naturally... rather than the epidural being something that hindered the process, slowed my progress, or disconnected me from what I was feeling and what my body needed me to do participation-wise. It took the edge off for the final stages and allowed me to relax, while still being very present and connected to my body. And actually I think I can thank the epidural for calming me enough to give me the presence of mind to slow down on that last push to prevent tearing. So that's wonderful!
All in all, I hope the "moral" of this birth story is that you have so many options as a birthing mama, and the more you learn and prepare, the more options you have! Learning about birth beforehand, reading about the process (how amazing your body is and what it is capable of!), not fearing birth as something scary you cannot handle but embracing it. I believe in those things! I also want you to hear me say that no one is in charge of your birth but YOU. I think it is nonsense that many moms are told they can't have water or a snack, or that they have to lie flat on their back the entire time, or that if baby is late "it's time to induce", etc. Those things only become true as you pile on more medical interventions. (Once you turn the labor over into that kind of unknown territory, you reliquish rights to carry out your labor in your own way... which is why knowing ahead of time that those things are options and not requirements is so helpful!) For me, this time around, I decided to exercise my option to have an epidural at the end of my delivery. One thing I've loved about my first two (un-medicated) deliveries was how they gave me the unique opportunity to learn my own strength and feel that amazing euphoric victory of a battle hard-fought. (No other experience in my life has done that nearly as vividly.) It's an experience I encourage everyone to consider giving yourself. But something I learned from this delivery is that it's ok not to feel strong and invincible all the time. (I tend to want to be strong and in control all the time... so to feel weak and unprepared and vulnerable was hard for me, but that ok. It's ok.)
God watched over Kal's passage into this world SO sweetly. He gave us a perfect day with our family as I worked through the earliest stages of labor... he granted us the gift of our girls going to sleep without drama... and he answered my prayer for a few moments of rest and calm at the hospital when things got more intense than I was ready for. And best of all, he brought Kal out into the world kicking and screaming and PERFECT in every way. I'll never understand how it's possible we could be so blessed as to have three perfectly healthy babies. Good gracious, our Lord is good... too good to comprehend.
Thank you for the love and support you've poured out to us and the interest you all have shown in hearing about our birth experience this time around. Be blessed!!
-Carissa
1 comment:
Yes, God is good all the time! Thank you Lord for a safe delivery of Kal and for the precious family that is there to Love him. He is a lucky little boy! Love to you, family of five! Linda
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