Mmmmm.... so I've been thinking hard tonight. I've realized in the short span of time since starting this blog that the cardinal rule I established in the first entry simply will not -CAN not- be. The rule that states: I will say ANYTHING I want to say. Why is that? Because as much as I want to be able to do that... I can only do it with no audience. I thought that an invisible audience would be the same, but its not. Tonight, for instance, if I were writing in my private journal, the entry would be entirely about food. It would have a list of the things I ate today, it would go on and on about the issue. I spend so much time, so much mental energy contemplating what I'm doing to look a certain way. I comfort myself by scrutinizing others and saying, "well, so-and-so doesn't have a perfect body and she still looks great! So can I!" I fret over the things that loom in my future for which I desperately want to look this "certain way". Weddings, vacations, summer camps. Why do I do this? Because its the scariest thing in the world to me to imagine arriving at those situations feeling, for instance, like I do today. Today is one of those days where you can go throughout the day smiling, enjoying those around you, and having a great time, while simultaneously feeling SO LOW. Is this just me? On days like these, I just feel gross. Out of control. Like a slob. Unlovable. I better not go on... I'm sounding pathetic. The point is, I wish this wasn't such a huge part of who I am. I wish my joy didn't depend SO much on how I'm handling food at any particular day or time. It's robs me of my joy, and it robs everyone around me because I'm thinking of myself rather than of others.
Here is my trap... the thing that makes me feel, at times, immobilized. I can't "let myself go." I can't give up the fight and stop caring about how I look and what I do to maintain it. And yet, it is the very thing that tempts me most. I don't just want to sample a brownie here or a burger and fries there. I want to tell myself that I'm free to temporarily stop trying. Free to waste away the afternoon (or evening) eating any and everything i want and forsaking the consequences.
I know that isn't true freedom. I know that it brings me another kind of bondage, the bond that comes when you allow thoughts of self, thoughts of food (or any other idol for than matter) to control you. This is what the Bible calls: the desires of my flesh. What I want is to say "Screw what I SHOULD do... I just want to binge on everything I WANT to do." Yet, that is the very thing God wants us to resist. And I know all this. Yet it hits me so hard every day. Even amidst the fun of my sister's visit and of spring sing weekend, the battle inside me is waging. It's saying, "Wouldn't this be THAT much better if could just give up on the whole stupid 'moderation with food' thing and eat all you wanted?!" And the answer is always, "yes." And that answer is always wrong. Because it leaves me feeling like I do now. Like a failure, like a slob, like the only person in the world who hates something about themself. Not excited to go to cancun, or be in her friend's wedding... because of a fear that when that time comes, she will still be in this yucky, hopeless spot.
sometimes, i wonder why god couldnt have made me to struggle with something like drugs or cursing. isn't that crazy? does everyone feel like their addictions are the ugliest ones out there? i sure dont know anyone who wishes they could just trade their struggle with shoplifting to struggle instead with extreme overeating. seems to be the least attractive of the bunch.
anyway... had this been the private journal and NOT the blog, this would have been much more pathetic. And really, that's ok. If anyone DOES read it... well we're all pathetic somehow, so maybe they needed not to feel alone tonight.