It makes me very happy to be able to announce that I'm feeling quite good as I write this. It could have something to do with the fact that it is the afternoon instead of nighttime as I hypothesized before... but I think the most likely cause is that I just got back from my mini-trip home. and may I just say, I LOVE my home. I love my family, my house, our friends, the way it looks outside our house (the trees, fields, green grass, etc.) I love that the people I see when I am at home are in no way "work people" for me. Interacting with them is not work. It's rest. We don't alway get along. Especially me and my dad, in fact we had a few loud arguments while I was there. But it doesn't drain me to be there. I can be happy, goofy, or tired and cranky and those people are there for it all. It was a good thing to be with them and a VERY good thing to be reminded that in only one short week I'm back there for extended time. It gave me some extra push for this week I think.

And I think that I've discovered with help from a long talk with Tracy, a connection between my random depression, my eating struggle, and my random need to not be around any people. I've talked before about how being around people wears me out. Well, this is so true. Being around my friends (as much as I love them) is not easy right now because they are all so group-oriented, and im so private. i like having time to myself where im unobserved and not required to converse. Here's the thing Tracy brought up: She asked me, "Do you ever have a meal where you feel like you are experiencing freedom with eating? The kind of freedom you know God wants and promises for you..." And I had to think long and hard and answer "no" because it doesnt matter when or where I am and how "normally" or "abnormally" i appear to be eating, it is all under strict control. I don't even think I could form a mental picture of what having that freedom would look like or feel like for me. It made me cry to say that out loud to her. And she replied that it makes perfect sense to her... my complete lack of energy for the people in my life. Because if I'm eating by "might and by will" every single time i pick up a fork, and if I'm experiencing a spiritual battle so constantly, I won't have strength for friends... or later on for a husband or children or anything like that. Which is EXACTLY how I feel.

She said many other good things. One that I still wish I could feel in a more concrete way. The truth is that i do not have to be in constant spiritual battle. The battle wages all around me but Christ goes before me. He fights that battle FOR me. And the bible says that no weapon fashioned to destroy me will stand. But how am I supposed to really feel the truth of that statement? I just remembered the next thing she said. I need only to "wear the armor." She says that verse with tibby every morning before she leaves. Stand firm with the belt of truth buckled and the breastplate of righteousness in place. With feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. What else... the helmet of salvation. the sword that is the Holy Spirit.

hmmmm.... this is big stuff for me. im going to have to think a lot more about it all. but anyway, one thing i know is that god has GIVEN me access to walk in completely freedom. unhindered by any of this crap. and i dont have to feel doomed to weeks and years of struggle. i can feel better now. i can enter into freedom now and walk in it and swim in it.

im sounding dorky. im also making myself sceptical. because what happens three days from now when i fall and dont feel like im "swimming in freedom" anymore. ive been there too many times.