I'm greatly perplexed as always on Wednesdays, because of LOST. I just feel highly confused and desirous of some answers, which no one can provide. Meredith and I are members of the Facebook group "Addicted to LOST" and have recently developed the habit of getting on the Addicted to LOST homepage as soon as the episode is over to see what the fellow addicts are saying about the show. And tonight, no one on there had anything to said that seemed worthwhile to me.
So basically, that was a pointless paragraph. I'm really trying hard here to avoid writing another blog like last night's... but truth me told, I'm ending up each and every night this week feeling about the same way. Maybe I should start blogging at different times of day so as not to spread the depression.
Its so funny... my constant repetition of the rule of this blog, "I will always say whatever is on my mind," is mostly there to convince myself, and it still doesn't work. i sit here writing, wanting nothing more than to complain about how crappy I've been feeling lately. but then i think, "no one wants to sit and listen to a complainer." and then i think, "Whoa! What happened to saying whatever you want. No one has to read complaints if they're not in the mood. Reading this is voluntary."
So... only continue reading if you are in the mood for (yet another) evening of complaint and self-pity from yours truly.
Quite frankly, I look at my life and realize that it has now been about FOUR YEARS that I have continued to struggle with dyfunctional eating. Is that even a legit title? Anyway, wow. Sometimes it seems like each day just comes as it comes, but other times (like now) i have this increadibly discouraging view where all the instances of messed-up-ness collect in my mind and i realize its been four years... with no end in sight.
Last night I was trying to fall asleep and I was praying and crying. Because I was thinking, "Lord. I am so very very unhappy who I am. If I could just NOT struggle with this... I'd be happy. Or else if I could just STOP CARING that I struggle with it, I'd be happy. But I can NOT stop caring. It bothers me so much." And I wanted so bad to yell out in the room and wake Becca up and say "help me." But I knew she couldnt possibly. And then I thought maybe I could call Tracy. Knowing her, she'd pick up her phone and say, "The Lord was putting you on my heart right at this moment and I was praying for you." But I didn't do that either. And then the thought occured to me that I could call Angie, but I foresaw that phone call consisting mostly of trying to sum up the past few weeks and what's made me feel this way. And that doesn't help. and then i had the thought of "What if I still had a mom? Could I call HER at a time like this and tell her how down it was making me? Could she help me?"
who knows? all i know is that i feel incapable of escaping because it would be like trying to escape WHO I AM. seems like it cant be done. and so im down.
yes, still down tonight. so sorry. hope it wont stay this way for the sake of anyone reading. and i guess for my sake too.
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