Ouch... that sounds so ungracious. And I really mean no offense to anyone, but yes, today as I sat in church in Little Rock Arkansas while visiting cousins, I was having a bit of trouble staying "zoned in."
Instead I found myself falling into deep thought about people and their New Years Resolutions. I never make them myself. I have no interest in working out and my general obsession about eating healthy needs no amplification now or ever. But somehow, my mind began working and I began telling myself that "Here I stand on the edge of the Great Unknown. I am free to make my life whatever I want to make it... Spanish degree be darned."
I think the seeds for these thoughts were planted late last night as I flipped through the facebook albums of my childhood best friend. She ventured off to college in Malibu and lives what appears in every respect to be "the fabulous life." She's every bit as independant and fearless as I wish I were, she has the clothes I wish I had, the body I wish I had, and a schedule of events I can hardly dream of. For instance, we celebrated my roomate's 21st birthday in... Nashville. She celebrated her roommate's 21st birthday in... Napa Valley for the weekend. Who does that!? No one living MY boring life. And while looking at these pictures, I asked myself, "Could I ever do this? What's keeping my life where it is, and what gave her the life she got?"
And so, this morning I found myself doing what I always do... making lists. Mental ones this time. Of the outlandish things I wish I could do with my life after I leave Harding.
For instance:
-I seriously want to be on America's Next Top Model. I always thought, "No way! That's waaaaay too 'out there' and anyway it's for super skinny girls." But if I had the opportunity... I'd do it. No hesitation. I wonder how long I'd last because I'd have to quit if they wanted me to do something I felt didn't represent Christ. But I am fascinated by the makeup and costuming and photos they take on that show.
- I want to be someone's personal chef. Especially if that someone wanted to lose weight but had no idea how, and had the money to just let me take care of ALL their food throughout the day. I'd just live at that person's house, stock it with all the proper grocery items, plan and cook their meals and snacks and watch the pounds drop! It'd be great... so fun and so rewarding. And I wouldn't have to worry about all the scary things involved with securing a living arrangment.
- (and rather paradoxically...) I want to be hired as Dale's dessert lady if he ever achieves his dream of opening his own barbecue restaurant. I'd move to whatever town he and Christy lived in, gain about 80 pounds, and show up at the kitchen every day to serve up bread puddin' and brownie sundaes and cherry pie to all his customers. And he and all the other workers would call me Big Mamma.
That's all I've got so far. Notice none of it really seems to resemble "Move somewhere and find and apartment and get a teaching job and start grading papers."
On a less dreamy note. I'm very dissapointed about how my week has gone food-wise. I don't feel like myself when I'm so easily mentally derailed at the drop of a hat, just by the constant back-and-forth of resolving to maintain control and then flying off the handle because there's a buffet of cookies and fudge. At this very moment, I'm sucking down green tea as though it will erase the guilt of an evening of indulgence. When oh when will I be free from this struggle!?
That is all. Good night loves.
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