It's like this, friends.
My stomach hurts from being too full.
Why? Because I've been overeating just about every day this week (with the exception of the last two, during which I was in a swimsuit a lot of the time and managed to control myself for that reason alone.)
But I was out of the swimsuit today and back at it.
Why?
Im terrified.
God feels far. My friends feel... busy. And guys? They just keep hittin' the road.
And pretty soon it'll just be me taking care of me.
And so I eat.
I don't know how else to feel better.
And I ask myself, "How will I escape this trap I've gotten into?"
It won't be a guy that gets me out. I don't think there's one who will be a good fit for longer than a month or two.
And I seem to lack the faith it requires to get God to do anything. That sounds awful. But folks, I'm not kidding. I just don't hear him. I don't know what he wants from me... and I don't know what to ask of him. I can't tell what's Him these days and what's some crazy people "being led by the Spirit." I want to hear the voice of the God that makes the lightening. Not some "book-on-tape recording" sounding voice as I read the Bible (yet again, words written by some MAN) to myself. Or worse... my OWN voice. I don't want to know who Tracy thinks God is. Or even a preacher. Or even me. I want to know who He really is. If he wants me to do something, I want to hear it from him and no one else. And I don't. So I walk around feeling lost, scared, and out of place.
And I eat to feel better.
And I dont. Feel better I mean.