Do I ever talk about my club? I think that at some schools, clubs aren't that big of a deal. And even here at Harding, one might be in a club but its such a small unimportant part of their life. I don't know what it is about Pi Theta Phi that distinguishes it... but it is so very different. Each and every time I get together with those girls, I leave overwhelmingly thankful to be a part of them. I don't even feel capable of describing it like I want to right now, everything sounds so cliche. Basically, when I sit in a room with the girls of PTP, each face that looks at me shines with so much love and concern for me specifically. People dont ask me "How are you?" because its socially appropriate... they ask me because they care about how I'm doing for real and if something's not right, they want to lift me up. I get to be a part of a group of girls who love the Lord first and who live it out by loving one another fiercely. There is nobody there who wants to rejoice in my sufferings or failures... no one who wants to compare themself to me... no one that will hear me share my burdens and turn around and use that knowlege against me. Like I said, I can't describe it... but I think its atypical. I don't think everybody gets to have the blessing of having a group of friends who is this safe, loving, and in love with the Lord. I feel so very blessed by it.
Ummm... I will now air out the not so warm fuzzy feelings I am having tonight. Would anyone like to guess as to the cause for my feelings of yuckyness? I'll give ya a hint. Starts with an "F" and you eat it. FOOD! AHHHHH! I tell ya, its been a really up and down week. My camping trip was a feeding frenzy for me. I gave up trying to be moderate because I knew going into it that the only foods available would be unhealthy things like hot dogs and pop-tarts. Why that meant I had to STUFF myself with said hot dogs and pop tarts is the age old Rubix Cube Puzzle. For those of you who don't know me well... you will surely underestimate me when I say I stuffed myself. But be assured, you could not have packed away this much food in two days. I gave myself nightmares on friday night and I'm sure this was the cause. Anyway, so the week evened out come Sunday and Monday... but tonight was another bad one. Chalk it up to my defeated feeling heading into the evening. I knew that I would be going to a nice homecooked dinner with friends (that would include dessert) followed by the PTP Senior Speeches (aka: dessert buffet) and I just gave up. I gave up and said, "If I can't get the satisfaction of eating healthy, then I'll have to get satisfaction from pigging out."
And I realize that no one REALLY cares about this like I do. I realize it gets old hearing me talk about strapless bridesmaid dresses, and bathing suits in Cancun, and Pilates DVDs. And believe me, I WANT not to care about it. But I'm not there yet. It's been a long and hard few years of trying to change my perspective about food, and thus far the subsequent changes in behavior haven't caught up with the change in perspective yet. And I hate it. So pray for me because I need the Lord to strengthen me all the time. More often then I have the energy to pray for. Like tonight, I need prayer that I can wipe my own slate clean and keep on keeping on.
God really is good. I wish I understood why he allows some of the things he allows. I wish I understood what his will is in every situation in this world. But I know he is good. And (most of the time) and I can rest in that.
Tomorrow is TGI Wednesday! And my goals for tomorrow are: work in admissions, study my bible, exersize at some point, and make a new friend (preferrably a guy)