The Panic Moment

I know that (almost) every young adult has this moment, and I've always pretended to understand it though I never really have. I think what I've felt in the past has just been pity... but only in the sense of "Glad its you not me..." What I'm talking about is that feeling that comes over you with such alarming reality... where all of a sudden its real that you have to start making plans for your life. Plans for the time in which you can no longer call yourself a student. Since I was five, that's what I've been. And then, this realization comes over you that in one year, you (read: I) will be graduated from college and taking care of yourself. Where will I go? Who will go there with me? No one? Some one? Someones? Who will take care of me? Most likely: me. And this is where the moment probably varies from person to person. Because lots of people graduate without feeling scared at the idea of taking care of themself. A lot of people graduate and are or plan to be married. And for the first time probably EVER, I realize an OUNCE of the appeal of doing that. Those people don't have feel scared that there's no one to take care of them anymore. They move from one person's care to another's. How blissful.
And yet... this will not be me. And I don't WANT it to be. At this time, I dont want a guy in my life like that... can't imagine it, cant picture it... so why on EARTH have I never made a single plan regarding taking care of myself post-college?!
And all these years at harding I've heard my older friends say, "Yep, I'm leaving Harding, without a man!" And everyone slaps high fives and says that is A-OK. I do it too, and we agree as the girl says, "It's a little scary... but I'm trusting God." And all this time, I thought I was nodding my head in understanding of these girls. But in truth, I was thinking to myself, "Ha! Scary? To leave college without a man? Please... give me a break." But here I am to say that YES that is scary. Its scary to me and I don't even WANT a man. Its scary because it means there's not going to be anyone waiting on the other side to provide for me. I mean, how conveninent for some girls to finish up college and have someone whose four years of study have equppied him to go out and work so that he can bring home money to buy food for YOU. To keep the lights on in YOUR house and the water running in YOUR shower. How nice for some girls that they leave college and there's someone who wants to take care of all that for them. All of a sudden, my moment has come where I hear for REAL the fear that those girls really felt when they said, "Its kinda scary." All along I never knew it, but I'm terrified. I don't feel old enough. I dont feel smart enough. I don't understand things like taxes and W2 forms. I've been taught how to check the oil in my car at least five times and I still hate doing it because I can never seem to get my hood open by myself. I'm horrible with directions and finding my way around new places. I don't understand things like health insurance and car insurance. I can't even replace the ink cartridges in my own printer! And I'm supposed to be ready within a year to be on my own!
I hope this does not read as: "Please come rescue me, Prince Charming." The idea of a relationship is quite possibly more unsettling than the idea of self-sufficiency. Its just that i think that all this time I was planning on being self-sufficient without really planning for it. What have I been doing all this time?