I say "Modesty Sucks"

I'd really love it if I knew WHY blogging has not been very appealing to me of late. Since I got this blog, I've been in love with it. But I've been back in the school-groove for awhile now, and can't really put my finger on why i haven't been inspired to write.
I don't even really know why I'm doing it right now. I suspect I feel the need to justify myself after being told that my last entry was "self-confessed crap." Thank you SCOTT.
So I've had kind of a heavy week of thought. There are many reasons for this. For one thing, I've just become part of a girls' Wednesday night bible stufy that (while VERY good) is very emotionally heavy for me. For another thing, I've been confronted in the past few days for something I thought I had left behind in my youth group years. That something is "modesty." This issue has long been a HUGE frusteration for me (as I know it has been for many of my girlfriends.)
Here is why modesty is annoying. Because girls (ALL girls) struggle with their self-image. All girls have things about their physical bodies that they do not like. And so, in turn, all girls enjoy it very much when certain clothes, angles, colors, etc. capture their bodies in the most flattering light. I think it is a rare girl who honestly dresses because she desires for men to lust after her. (Well, at least among my Christian friends this is rare.) In fact, most girls choose to ignore that any "lusting" actually happens. Girls want guys to do what THEY do when they see themselves... "appreciate beauty." For instance, I can look at myself in the mirror, see cleavage, and think "That looks very femenine and beautiful." And my mind can't wrap around the idea that someone else looks at that with appreciation that is impure. Does this make sense? It is very frusterating to me. Because I can't LIE and say I don't want my beauty appreciated. I do! But I want it appreciated as I appreciate it! With admiration, not... something else... whatever that something else is.
And then there's also heaviness of heart that comes from questioning myself and my motives. Why do I want my beauty appreciated? Is that wrong? Does it come from an impure motive? I think not.
I think that because I AM myself, I see all the imperfections that others might miss. (We girls are all so good at concealing them.) But because I'm painfully aware at times of the not-so-good stuff... I need to be reminded of the good stuff.
There are times when I know full well that I'm wearing something that doesn't necesarily hide me. And I choose to say, "I'm not going to concern myself with that." And I feel like that is not only "not wrong" but healthy. I choose not to care about it. And then I get told that I should be caring about it, or rather, being "care-ful" and I feel selfish. And I hate it when people make me feel selfish, because it cuts me deep. I always worry that I'm being selfish.
So basically, I'm frusterated. Very.