I've just had a spell of extreme overeating (AKA: a "binge") after almost a month of not having one. It's hard not to get down about that. It came outta nowhere too. Like, sometimes I can feel the urge to overeat coming on because I've been depriving myself too much. But this was one of those "One minute I'm fine and the next minute the switched is flipped and you better hide your hands" times. It was last night. I've been at a float trip this weekend with the young adults class from church.
I don't feel just awful or doomed. Which is good. But when I woke up today I sat there feeling like I was going to throw up for about two hours. Not fun. And every time I sit there feeling that way, I say to myself, "Never again... I will never again eat so much that I feel this bad." I just wonder when I'll actually start listening to myself.
One good thing though is that I really enjoyed getting to know a girl from my church better. I won't write her name (in case someone Googles her I don't want them to pull up my blog.) But I really enjoyed being around her. She's very much her own person... involved in all kinds of different things... obviously passionate about a lot of stuff... fine with doing her own thing OR with going with the flow of a group. She seems genuinely unconcerned with superficial unimportant things, but also completely unjudgmental of you if perhaps you ARE concerned with something like that. And the things she DOES care about are the truly important things.
Anyway, writing all that probably reads as completely uninteresting and doesnt do her justice since I've portrayed her as a namelss, faceless "really cool girl." But she is.
As far as my "Fear of Comittment" post, I still have no new thoughts on the matter that ease my mind. I still feel like a bad person and I still feel like that issue is going to cause problems for me. I did, however, talk to my sister about it. I feel like she's one of the best people I can bounce stuff like that off of because A: She'll never stop liking me so I can tell her those ugly things about me, and B: She's not afraid to tell me how horrible I am for doing or thinking those things... which she did.
I have GOT to go shower... I'm covered in multiple layers of sweat, river water, bug spray, and dirt.