I'm a bit heartbroken tonight. That's an exaggeration... but I do feel disappointed and down. Lately I've begun daydreaming a lot about what I wish were going on in my life right now, and it doesn't serve me well because then I spend all day anxious for the next thing and not enjoying where I am. I went out with friends tonight, and it WAS fun and it should have been just lovely for me. But I think I am so dead set right now on "putting myself out there" that nights like this seem like a failure. The "friends" I went out with were girls. Plus Alex. And during the day I hung out with Mallory (who was in town.) And I love Mallory and I never get to see her, so why was I bummed? I think because my mind is constantly drifting toward these imaginary date nights and exciting/butterfly-y hypothetical situations. The reality of today was that I spent most of the morning and afternoon feeling gross and fat because I chowed down on sugar last night. I slept too late, I studied, I never got around to putting on any makeup so I felt unpresentable. I hung out with girlfriends and came back early on account of "tiredness" and then proceeded to repeat the very thing that made the morning so rough, a night-time sugar fest. It's so funny how we cope when we feel lonely.
I hope this doesn't read as a horrible downer of a post. This isn't depression speaking... I'm sure most people at some point in their life have felt this way... a bit "un-needed." The profitable thing to do would be to go to bed early, but I feel like I ought to stay up since I've just eaten so much.