The words that describe how I feel tonight is: guilty.
But not how you might imagine. I don't feel guilty in the usual sense (like when you've done something really wrong.) No, its more that I feel such an awareness of all these things I should be doing that I'm not.
I think this is how I always feel after a month of break at home. I start feeling lazy and useless and selfish because of the time I'm spending pursuing my own happiness and nothing else. I get sick of myself after straight weeks of making decisions like, "I think I'll stay home and read and watch TV today rather than do anything productive," or, "It's cold out and I would enjoy being lazy much more than making myself work out." On the one hand I'm doing exactly what I want, and on the other hand, after so many weeks of doing it I feel like the worst person ever.
I feel still more guilt for wanting to actually pursue modeling. Anyone would look at a desire like that and see it as pretty much a fantasy. I always have. But the truth is that I am serious about wishing that it could be a reality. (At least for a time.) I got my pictures back from my photo shoot with Tim and was looking at them later with my dad in this total silence. It was a silence that said to me, "This is not the daughter I'm proud of." Maybe I shouldn't be putting words in my dad's mouth, but I know that's how he feels. He's proud of me for lots of things (talents and the like) and foremost for my heart and the woman of God that I am. But he's not proud of the things that a "fierce photo" (to quote tyra) displays. Features, proportions, all the things that can be accentuated with makeup and lighting and a provocative pose... those aren't the things he wants me to value or find my value in.
And I don't. I'm fascinated by the proccess and the art and the beauty of it. And yet, I feel this guilt for liking it so much. I feel like the people who are proud of me in life are disappointed to see me care so much about something so "vain."
I have felt weird all night because I've found myself thinking, "If I were all on my own in this world and accountable to no one (no parents, grandparents, etc)... I could do this with no reservations and not feel like I owed an excuse to anyone." But that's not how I want to feel. I want to feel the freedom to pursue ANYTHING whether its cooking desserts and Dale's Diner or being a model without it meaning that I am somehow being untrue to God or my roots. I feel like everone in my life wants to say they are totally fine with the idea, but no one is actually fine with the idea... so instead they just say nothing. Like tonight. Silence.
Really the only commentary I got from dad was this: "Overtly sexual." Ugh... and that's in response to fully clothed pictures that I had even edited. He could never handle it.
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