I have had the weirdest weekend ever. No weird things have been happening TO me per say (well, thats not true... weird things have been happening to me) but outside of those things, I've just FELT weird.
I'm experiencing what I hope every senior in college goes through, which is feeling like all their friends have somehow magically dematerialized and are no longer in existence. My family comments all the time that my group of friends changes every year, and this is so true. The people I find myself hanging out with now are completely different from the people I spent all my time with at this time last semester. And its so odd. I don't feel like there have been many constants in my life at all these past four years. My family would have to be the one exception. Everything else has constantly changed: my routine, where I live, how I make money...
And here I am searching for that thing that's going to follow. The "next transition" of this ceaseless string of transitions that has been my young adult life. I feel sometimes like I am losing who I am amidst all the changing circumstances.
And here's what's worse. My identity is in God. I should be able to see that identity above all the other "micro-identities" I take on based on my appearance or friends or current job. But I can't right now. When I look at myself, I see someone who is confused about where they want to be and where they want to go, and confused about what they want. Do I want a guy? I dont care... sometimes yes, sometimes no. Do I want a job? Not so much. Do I want to just "live for God?" I think the only honest claim I can make in response to that is that I want the sense of purpose and contentment that seems to fill those who ARE living for God.
Truth be told, God is confusing me right now. Specifically with regard to his power to heal, and his choice to do it or not do it. My friend Lisa Carr has just recently been completely healed from cancer. I mean, we're talking the doctors SAW it in her bones... no mistaking it. And she spent days and weeks intensely studying and praying for healing (alongside other Christians who seem to have really taken off with this healing concept as well.) And they were praying these prayers of power and asking for God to heal. None of this, "Oh God, just do whatever is your will." No... boldy asking God to take away disease. And it happened. And its been happening to more people they are praying for.
So here's why I'm confused. What right do we have to pray for God to heal us? And how is it that these people seem to have just tapped into this source of power that the rest of us mere mortals who don't know how to pray the right way can't seem to get our hands on? I've prayed with these people, and they don't pray like I'm used to praying. So is that why it didn't happen for me eleven years ago? My mom didn't get healed. Was I just not praying with enough faith? I should be glad and filled with all this wonder each time I get this news of "healing for linda brumfield," "healing for lisa carr," "healing for whats-her-face," but instead I'm filled with confusion and indignation. I am indignant. If (or should I say "when") I get diagnosed with cancer myself... what am I supposed to do? I thought we were supposed to pray for God's will to be done.
My response has been that I've hardly prayed at all. I no longer feel like I'm doing it right... like with enough faith. And I don't feel right about coming before him mad and indignant.
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