Don't get me wrong... I have had a great week. I've been at home getting to bask in all the good memories of a week at Camp Ne-o-tez, while getting paid to hang out with my nine-year-old friend Baylee, which really is not like a job at all. I love it.
And yet its one of those weeks where I don't like being me. What does this mean? Well, there are times (very frequent times) where I LOVE being me. When I'm looking well, eating well, feeling well and staying happily busy (with good things, not crummy things.)
But this week I am not eating well. I'm finding myself constantly tempted to go off the deep end, and yes... there have been times where I have given in and done so. I don't like that this "me" surfaces periodically and unexpectedly. I don't like the sense of worry that fills me when this is the "me" that's prevailing. I begin to worry about things like, "What if I can't get my act back together in time for all these weddings coming up?" "What if I end up swimming with Baylee tomorrow and spend the whole day feeling like a big fatty?" "What if I'm called upon to somehow be social later tonight and can't meet the challenge because I'm feeling like a slob?" All these things usually accompany my overeating, and usually explain why the way I'm eating at any given time so heavily influences the attitude I have about my life.
I'm trying not to do this. I'm trying to accept the fact that this has been (and still is being...) a crummy eating week, and then make it a good one anyway. Very difficult for me. Which is why I say, I don't like me this week.
I do not want to be a grown up. (This is a subject change.) I'm watching almost helplessly as every bone in my body fights and rebels against those who would have me become "responsible" and "settled" and "carreer-minded." I fight every one of these people: the people at my new bank, my dad, the administration at the school where I'll teach,. My unspoken goal seems to be "Do only the things you MUST do, and then, only do them kicking and screaming. And make sure they are carried out in the most irresponsible way possible with the least amount of planning." In my twisted mind, this seems to be the only logical method by which I can mantain my youth and freedom while entering into the prison of trying to support myself after college. Translation: I do not sleep. I stay up late just being stupid. Just because the "adult" thing to do would be to rest.
The song by Rhianna is now echoing in my ears... to no one in particular I cry out "Take me away."
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