It’s been too long, dear friends. This I know.
Those of you who know me, know why its been too long… and if you love me at all then you will forgive me for NOT talking about that very thing. I do not desire to tell a single other person “How teaching is going.” I do not desire to talk about it.
I miss my blog and I miss the “me” it represents. Not “Miss Dell” but “whatmatterstocariss.” Haha. It’s the truth though.
The woman I am day by day feels new… exciting at times. Rewarding, yes. Grown up? Definitely. But she doesn’t feel like me.
I miss the me that jabbers with Mallory about any stupid thing that floats into my brain. I miss the me that sits with Sha’lon drawing pretty pictures to send to people in campus mail. I miss the me that’s reflected when I’m sitting and blogging to my “invisible, anonymous audience” I’m so fond of.
What have I HAD to be thinking of during my days? Lesson plans, Unit assessments, content standards, methods for furthering language acquisition, classroom management, professional development, car insurance, health insurance, rent… endless yuck. And I try and pretend (mostly for myself) that I love thinking about these things.
And what am I really thinking about when it’s finally ok to turn those parts of my brain off?
-True love… what it looks like for different people and what it will look like for me. How it must feel to truly see your own heart reflected in someone else (who isn’t a girl.) To feel like they really are the one for you, a better fit than the rest.
-The stupid warts on my feet and how I cant get them to go away.
-How people can possibly LIKE watching college football, let alone for so many hours on end.
-What will my life look like when I’m finally doing something I want to KEEP doing.
-“Is this guy starting to like me?” “Is THAT guy starting to like me?” “Does that guy think he likes me?” “Haha, he has no idea who I am, but I’m thinking he probably likes me.” (This one reflects the very self-absorbed thoughts that exist within me. I really do wonder this about a large number of people in my life right now.)
-Am I being stupid about how I’m spending my money? Am I giving enough? Am I serving enough? Am I serving the right people or just the people I like/love?
-Am I going overboard again with the amount of sodium, caffeine, and aspartame I take in (specifically from the “diet soda” source.)
Guys, tonight I am sad. Its nothing to worry over. Tomorrow, I’ll be happy about something. And I’ll be sad soon after. Its how my life’s going right now. But nevertheless, at this moment I am sad. Miss Dell is not someone I want to be. But the alternative is to be nobody and have nothing, so “Miss Dell” I must be. I must wake up at 5:00 and do what I must do. Lord, be the joy and strength I cannot see tonight.
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